Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Randomize