He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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