I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
