This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
