Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
