I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize