I like to think it a success when the cops are called
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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