It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
