I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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