i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
