So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
