She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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