This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Randomize