omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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