If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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