I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
