I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
