apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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