Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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