i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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