Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just gift wrapped bread.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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