If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
