i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
