Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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