you guys were way drunker than both of me
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
