dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
