Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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