My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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