who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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