The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
