I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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