May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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