genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Randomize
