Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
Randomize
