We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
