maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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