fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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