i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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