I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I will pee on everything he values.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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