i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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