I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
