There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
