Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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