I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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