I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
