I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
