Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
