what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
