the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
