Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
