When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
