Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
