he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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