Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
