I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
