I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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