OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize