It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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