I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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